It’s been a while since I last did some blogging and I think it’s about time I write something again.
Right now it is raining and thundering, so it’s the perfect time to listen to music and think about how my life is.
The last couple of months our financial situation has gotten worse and worse. In the start I didn’t think this really affected me, but now I know it does. I’ll get back to how it affects me later on. Shortly before Easter the bank told us to sell the house, so we got a realtor around to look at our house and give a price. Of course we knew that we had to pay for status reports on the house. That’s not something we can afford since we are actually quite poor. We looked at apartments we would be able to afford renting if we could sell the house. Remember, it was the bank that told us to sell. We managed to find one that looked really nice, it wasn’t too expensive, it wasn’t too small, it was in a new neighbourhood and so on. We were told that within a week we had to say weather or not it should be reserved for us. All we needed was for the bank to lent us the money for those reports. Our house would have a good chance of being sold during the Easter. The bank wouldn’t lent us the money, and we couldn’t sell or reserved the apartment.
About two weeks ago my parents signed the papers and the bank accepted to lent us the money for those reports. One week ago I signed the papers that needs to be signed when changing a bank. I’ve simply had enough with the bank I’ve had so far, so I’ve changed to another bank. It’s a small bank that is only in the local area, but they seem like kind people and I like their principles. Also, our old bank adviser from the other bank works at the one I’ve just changed to. He understands the situation.
Monday our house was put online. Already Monday people were getting details on the house. Those people might be possible buyers. I fear that our house will be sold quickly. I feel fine about the fact that we will move, but I just wish we knew whereto. If the house will be sold to the price it is set to we won’t owe that much money anymore, but then we will still need to borrow money so we can move into an apartment. We know the bank won’t borrow us those money. Right now that isn’t our first concern though. We need to find somewhere that isn’t too small, someplace where we can still keep our dog.
All of this affects me. I noticed some time ago that I wasn’t caring that much about school. I’ve hardly been doing my homework these past months. I have been doing my assignments, but not the day to day homework. I’ve been looking more and more forward to the next time there was a concert I would have to play at or a shooting competition or the next time I had a flute lesson or a training evening with shooting. I have been more interested in the music than in my school and I have had problems in maths and physics. We are talking about two of the subjects I used to be so good in. Yesterday I got my final grades. Looking at the overall perspective they weren’t bad, but my dad couldn’t understand why I had dropped on grade in oral math and oral English. I tried to explain that all of this had affected me, and still is affecting me and that is affecting how I do in school. In the end I broke down in tears. This situation isn’t unfamiliar to me. It reminds of the situation I have told you about before. The one about the psychological bullying I went through once. All the small things that have affected me a little bit seemed harmless at the time they occurred, but they weren’t, and it isn’t until now when it is almost too late that I have realised that. This morning I still felt like crying, and I was getting ready to leave for school I could just feel the tears starting to gather in my eyes once more. I looked like a mess as well, but that something else. My mum thought I should go to school anyway because I just said that my stomach hurt (which it also did). My dad allowed me to stay at home though. So I’ve been at home all day, and after some decent sleep on our sofa I actually felt a bit better.
Sleep is another thing that really affects me. I could hardly sleep last week, and last night I had a horrible nightmare that didn’t really help either. I get some medication that helps preventing headaches. One of the side effects is that I can hardly remember any of my dreams. Sadly enough when I do remember a dream it tends to be a nightmare.
This time I dreamt that someone came after my mum and I with a knife. He tried to kill and I managed to get out of his sight before he realised I was there. When I screamed for help he realised I was there and went after me. I woke up shortly before he killed me. It’s not the first time I’ve dreamt that someone tries to kill my mum and I. It’s always a man.
I guess this would really interest a psychologist. That’s another thing this will lead to. My mum will see if she can get our doctor to get me an appointment at a psychologist. I need help, and I know it.
I just hope we will find somewhere to live, and that I can get someone to talk things through with, someone professional.
I would also like to send a prayer out to anyone out there in similar situations or worse situations, a prayer to all of those people that are already homeless or will be if they don’t get the help the need.
I hope people will start realising that there is indeed poverty everywhere in the world, it’s just not always so easy to see. We all get good at hiding it, even from those that see us and talk to us every day.